This might be old news (check the date on James Hetfield’s last Xanax refill) but it’s new to me: Jason Newstead is now the bassist for Ozzy Osbourne.
Seems to be the perfect fit; he’ll join Mike Bordin, who is responsible for breaking up FNM, and Zack Wylde, who is responsible for the untimely death of Estelle Getty (joking! it was waaaaaay time. . .). You may remember that Newstead was responsible for breaking up Metallica. It went a little someting like this–
Scene: A row of overstuffed couches in a room adjoning a recording studio. Incense smoke and unironic skulls are everywhere.
Jason Newstead: “I think this group therapy thing is fucking lame beyond recognition.”
James Hetfield: “No! I think you’re fucking lame beyond recognition!”
Lars Ulrich: “Oh, SNAP!”
Newstead: “Jesus. I’m outta here.”
Hetfield: “I know, because I just fired you with the intensity of my mind!”
Ulrich: (makes frown-y, pooch-y face and airdrums on various skulls)
End scene. Forever.
Ozzy showed his gratitude and excitement by saying something unintelligible to the point of nonsense.