Multiple choice, just like your blood test. Slut.
1) I am pretty sure that ______________ is gay.
A. Patrick Stewart
B. the band Alcazar
C. the Cree Indian Nation
Answer= B. I was luxuriating in the total gayness of Alcazar’s “This Is The World We Live In” (the chorus was ripped from “Land Of Confusion” and forcefed Estacy and butyl nitrate) at the bank window before it opened this morning. The sunscreen was down on the teller window, but apparently they could still see me through the security camera feed. FOOK. I blame Phil Collins.
2) Many of the piano parts on Aretha Franklin’s early Atlantic recordings were played by _________________.
A. Chef Paul Prudone
B. Mayor McCheese
C. an awestruck Kobiyashi
D. Aretha Franklin.
Answer=D. My mom had a Don Kirshner’s Rock Power compilation that I listened to incessantly as a kid. It had “No More Mister Nice Guy”, by Alice Cooper, “Rock On”, by David Essex, “Magic Carpet Ride”, by Steppenwolf, and “(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman, by Aretha Franklin. In a row. The whole LP was a mess like that. “…A Natural Woman” was admittingly my favorite, although when Michael Damien did his cover of “Rock On” I was able to tell everyone, like a doomsday lunatic, that it was really an old song, re-done. Being able to tell everyone that I’m a humongous dork without spelling it right out is a mutant power I have been honing since a young age.
Happy Birthday, Queen of Motown Soul!
3) In the new biopic currently filming, Liberace is played by __________, and his lover is played by __________.
A. Michael Douglas, Matt Damon
B. Paul Stanley, Linus from Charles Schultz’s “Peanuts”
C. a rhinestone-encrusted turkey cavity, a condom-festooned javelin dropped from low-orbit
D. Ted Nugent, Tawny Katain
Answer=A. There’s no Ben Afflec joke that won’t be made, so I’m gonna let this one ride. I hope the movie centers on their clandestine love, because I’m led to believe no one had a clue how big of a sword swallower he was, right? It’s like saying, “Sure, my P.E. teacher has a mullet, wears mom jeans with a Kokopelli t-shirt and a fanny pack, owns a turquoise ring for each finger, and has breath like a prawn curry, but she’s no lesbian!”
4) Iggy Pop claims that Elton John once scared him senseless by ____________________.
A. doing $350.00 of cocaine off the trembling buttocks OF A WOMAN
B. jumping onstage during a performance wearing a gorilla suit
C. licking all the peanut butter off of his abs while he was passed out
D. making that “I’m Still Standin'” video
Answer=B. I’m not sure how high you’d have to be to believe a huge gorilla somehow got on stage with you. I’m thinking Dadaist-painting high, which is just before you get to the point you start causing yourself physical harm, known as “Iggy-Pop-High”.
Happy Birthday, Queen of Diet Coke Gorilla Suits!
5) Lemmy is set to perform the Motorhead classic “Ace of Spades” with ___________________ at the Revolver Golden God Awards
B. an Eva Braun impersonator signing the lyrics
C. Dave Grohl and Slash
D. dignity and sophistication
Answer=C*. The most compelling argument against drug abuse is that it got Lenny Klimster kicked out of Hawkwind. You don’t want to get kicked out of Hawkwind, do you? I sure the Hell don’t.
*any answer would be scored correct on this question because it erroneously contains no reference to homosexuals or the morbidly obese. And changing the post’s title to ROCK TEST: Femmes, Fatties, and Fanatical Collectors of Nazi Memorabilia would get The Pirate George Letters kicked out of China. Again.
6) The lady, who publically shamed me for singing along to “Sarah Smiles” because of how “freaking stupid” she thinks Hall and Oats is, is a total and uncalled-for bitch, and the weight of the anvil I imagined crushing her head, because really in the grand scheme of things Hall and Oats songs hold up really well in the arena they so faithfully served and to deride someone’s pleasure in a tiny blue-eyed-soul moment is totally unnecessary, weighed _____.
A. 200 lbs
B. 250 lbs
C. 500 lbs
D. 1000 lbs
7. The only thing gayer than a showtune is ________________.
A. a showtune with a lapfull of cocks
B. a pink sparkler in a truckstop toilet stall
C. searching the fridge for a food-based lubricant
D. “Dancing In The Streets” by David Bowie and Mick Jagger
Answer=D. Ok, true story:
I was in Best Buy looking at some software, and in a little kiosk next to my aisle a customer was being explained all the countries he could make calls to with a certain cellphone plan. As he was rattling off countries, I said, softly and swishly but still out loud, “Soooouth Ameeeerica!” Another guy in the aisles with me? He actually got the joke.
Which ended up being a bad thing.
See, I had to pee. Really bad. But I couldn’t just make that joke and then head straight to the bathroom. That guy would have followed me, and some horrible Mapplethorp/piss queen/gloryhole setup would have magically appeared in the Best Buy bathroom. And me ans some stranger would have to bump our hips and asses together in a sissy dance all the way to this public bathroom. Where we would make totally gay love.
I had to hold it all the way to Taco Bell, and butched up my order with a six-pack of tacos. Straight ones.