We’re half a month in. I hope you’ve been taking notes. . .
1) The residents of Suffolk County, England, recently named _____________ as their favorite icon.
A: a swimming pool.
B: a ship burial site.
C: Dani Filth, lead singer of Cradle Of Filth.
D: a hut on the beach.
You make whichever joke you think you want to make here. The other answers? Totally legitimate. In fact, after they removed Dani Filth from the running(what? You didn’t see that coming? Are you at Hot Topic this exact second?), the only options to vote for were pictures of scenery famous in Suffolk County. You want to make the “Gothtards taking a break from telling a Suicide Girrrl how stupid living is to vote ten-thousand times for Cradle Of Filth just to piss off all the moms in Suffolk County” joke? Fair enough.
But behind all the generation/misunderstanding/poll fixing setups is a true tragedy: Dani Filth, whose real name is Daniel Lloyd Davey, GOT TEN TIMES THE VOTES OF IPSWITCH RESIDENT, AND FUCKING ROCK APOSTLE, BRIAN ENO AND YES I AM YELLING. Brian Eno won every contest in England the day “Virginia Plain” played on Top of the Pops. All of them. Game over.
2) ______________________ is the name of a Cannibal Corpse song and not a symptom of my urinary tract infection and potential kidney stone.
A: “Cockhole Blood”
B: “Fucked With A Knife”
C: “Blood Lava Dick Scream”
D: “Slave To Piss Agony(Pray For Death)”
Two things: so far this year, all half a month of it, I have pinched a nerve in my back, pulled a muscle in my rib/pectoral area, had a fever of 103.2, thrown up and have yet to get rid of the resulting acid reflux, and nearly crapped the bed followed by days of constipation. All of which can’t compare to also peeing a crimson stream of blood. A nightmare in your waking mind, I tell you.
Also, I really can’t guarantee that the other choices aren’t also Cannibal Corpse songs. I might have to grade on a curve on this one.
3) If 2010 was the year of ______________ , then 2011 will surely be the year of _______________.
A: death of Don Van Vilet, Ke$ha dying to restore balance to the universe
B: Kanye West making a brilliant album, Kanye West freaking out because he’ll never make a better one
C: Steven Tyler pretending to quit a band that no one gives a shit about, Steven Tyler pretending to give a shit about a tv show everyone quit
D: Midlake making a a Mellotron-laden album, Jethro Tull remaking Red Headed Stranger
We can pretend it’s A, though. I do all the time.
Note: I planned on writing a version of The Christmas Carol. I wrote the first part with Don Van Vilet playing the ghost of Christmas past. He took me to the Tulsa airport, the hours before I traveled to Ft. Lauderdale and made my lifelong friends. It was so depressing that I stopped, even though it had a happier ending, and I was excited to write the part with me, as the ghost of Christmas future, haunting Kanye West. We are in a poorer world without Captain Beefheart, and my depression needn’t muddle that sentiment.
4) The best thing to come out of the Tuscon, AZ shooting is ______________.
A: “Kent, I know you have no filter, but Jesus you need to shut your mouth”
B: “The best thing? Best thing? You are an asshole. Have some respect”
C: “What the Hell is your problem? Innocent people died in cold blood. Fuck you. For real: fuck you”
D: after seeing the shooter’s Youtube videos, we’ll never have to hear that “let the bodies hit the floor” song ever, ever again.
Answer: A, B, C, and D.
The joke, of course, is that Daniel Hernandez, a gay Latino, was the hero in John McCain’s state. Answers A, B, and C can also be used every time John McCain opens his ignorant mouth.
5) The main reason The Black Eyed Peas are playing the Super Bowl Halftime is ________________.
A: Fergie looks so MTF that Roger Goodell hopes Ben Roethlisberger won’t sexually accost her
B: the player’s union think their song, “Lets Get Retarded”, pairs up well to the NFL’s work with the United Way
C: every other musician except Don McLean died in a fiery plane crash. Then Don McLean wrote a song about it and also died.
D: it will be graphic example of what happens when school systems spend more money on sports programs and less on the arts.
Answer: A and D are both correct.
Hopefully Prince will come out and repeat his awesome show again, while the Jumbotron shows a picture of Fergie, followed by Bootsie Collins doing an Austin Powers impersonation, saying “Meth? No, please, not even once, baby! Dig!”
Also: Green Bay 24, Pittsburgh 30. Just sayin’.
6) Sorry this post is so negative, but _______________.
A: I’m punch drunk from multiple illnesses
B: I’m just in a funk, and my blog should somewhat reflect my mood
C: I typically use humor as a defense mechanism, and the level of profanity and inappropriateness reflects the mental and emotional state that I’m trying to defeat
D: somehow we, as a society, let Brittney Freaking Spears make another album.
Answer: All of the above.