A Brief List of Things I Would Rather Have Someone Do “Their Way”

Alicia Keys has told MTV that she’s excited about doing the Star-Spangled Banner “her way” during this year’s Super Bowl.  I’ve mentioned my opinion on this sort of thing before.  Still, here are a few things I would rather have done in a deep-felt, personal, and unique way:

Paula Deen’s version of a home enema kit

A meth-addicted hummingbird’s version of calm, deep breathing exercises

Alex Jones’ version of “the birds and the bees” talk

The Cowardly Lion’s version of a Brujeria album

Loretta Lynn’s version of a Brujeria album

Garrison Keillor’s version of erotic incest fiction

Tofu’s version of a giraffe femur

Elmo’s version of “Bathtime is Naked Funtime”

Bean’s version of peas

Hank Williams Jr.’s version of a Le1f remix

King Kong’s version of a discreet elevator fart

Alicia Keys’ version of another song

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