Alicia Keys has told MTV that she’s excited about doing the Star-Spangled Banner “her way” during this year’s Super Bowl. I’ve mentioned my opinion on this sort of thing before. Still, here are a few things I would rather have done in a deep-felt, personal, and unique way:
Paula Deen’s version of a home enema kit
A meth-addicted hummingbird’s version of calm, deep breathing exercises
Alex Jones’ version of “the birds and the bees” talk
The Cowardly Lion’s version of a Brujeria album
Loretta Lynn’s version of a Brujeria album
Garrison Keillor’s version of erotic incest fiction
Tofu’s version of a giraffe femur
Elmo’s version of “Bathtime is Naked Funtime”
Hank Williams Jr.’s version of a Le1f remix
King Kong’s version of a discreet elevator fart
Alicia Keys’ version of another song
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