Cold Gin Time, Episode One: KISS

Intro: Cold Gin Time Opening Credits

SCENE: naturally-lit before-hours bar interior.  Kent Caudle and Paul Stanley sit at the bar, facing camera.  The occasional bar employee with a hand truck full of liquor cases passes by in the distance

Kent Caudle: “Hi, I’m Kent Caudle of The Pirate George Letters…”

Paul Stanley: “…and I’m Paul Stanley from the band, KISS!  And it is Cold Gin Time again!”

PS flashes “devil” horns

KC: “Welcome to the premier episode of Cold Gin Time, where me and Starchild here,” nods to Stanley “discuss a different classic album from KISS, a different brand of gin, and a different classic gin cocktail each week.”

PS: “This week we drink a classic Gin Rickey made with Beefeater London Dry  gin…”

KC: “…and we discuss KISS’ first album… KISS.  Since this is our first episode, Paul, will you tell the folks a little background info on gin?”

PS: “You bet, Beefy Eater.”

KC looks startled

PS: “The word ‘gin’ comes from the Dutch word ‘jenever’ which doesn’t mean ‘Jennifer’; it means ‘juniper’.  That’s because gin’s weird taste comes from mainly the juniper berry.”

KC, smiling: “Where does a Jennifer’s weird taste come from, Starchild?”

PS: “From cotton candy body spray and Miller High Life sweat.  Anyway, thelicorice30f-1-web primary flavoring in gin has to be juniper berries.  It’s the law, kids.  Usually some other flavoring is added, too, like citrus or licorice.  Man, the Dutch will put licorice in anything.  I.. mean… anything.  I won’t get all the way into what The Netherlands was like in 1992, but… Kent, have you ever heard of ‘sounding’…”

KC: “…hey, let’s save some gin trivia for some other episodes!  I’ll give some KISS trivia as we go, too, but let’s talk about the album, KISS.”

PS, with a scholarly pose: “Our eee-pony-mouse record…”

KC: “…yes, indeed.  I wanted to start at the very beginning.  I’ll tell the audience the truth here; this was the first KISS album I listened through all the way from start to finish, and it wasn’t even that long ago.”

PS: “You are forgiven, dude.  Like I told you before when we first met, we weren’t a big radio draw, we were all about the live show; if you never saw us live, you might not get into us.  Heck, even some of your cultural heroes admit to Garth Brooks being the best concert they’ve ever seen live.  Garth goddamn Brooks of all people!  And you why?  BECAUSE THAT COUNTRY TURNIP STOLE OUR ACT.  Well, our concept of high energy, anyway.”

KC: “Well, I’m really in a place in my life where I’m giving everything another listen.  Do you think your music has a fighting chance with someone who has never and will probably never see you live?”

PS: “Have you ever heard a Papa Roach album?  We’ll do just fine, P-George.”

KC: “Fair enough.  And you’re certainly right so far: KISS is a kick-ass album.”

KC: ” Man, “100,000 Years” is my favorite song on the album, and I’m not just saying that because you sing lead on that one.”

PS: “Thanks, you’re the man!”

KC: “I really just assumed that you would do all the singing; I had no idea that you did so little in the beginning. But that being said, your vocal delivery is obviously the best.  The delivery from Gene Simmons is just a little clunky, especially on “Cold Gin”, and it’s only a little better on “Nothin’ To Lose”.

PS: “In the beginning it was important to get everyone up in the spotlight, you know?  Face it; the ‘singer’ is the ‘bringer’.  I did sing backup on a lot of the songs I didn’t lead on, even ‘Nothin’ To Lose’.”

KC: “‘Nothin’ To Lose’ has that tricky little opening in seven… was that a tough lick to get down?”

PS: “Yeah it was, but, just like that Brad Paisley song about getting ‘mud on your tires’, any song about anal sex is worth the extra effort.”

KC: “I also love “Black Diamond , a song that you let the drummer sing but you wrote yourself.  I’m a sucker for backing vocals giving a song that on-purpose feeling.  I think backing vocals add the perfect balance to rock violence, like on “I Heard Her Call My Name”, by The Velvet Underground…”

PS, nervously: “…um, yeah, Lou Reed, um…”

KC: …”and I dig the instrumental ‘Love Theme From KISS’ on KISS, too, you guys’ only instrumental…”

PS, more nervous:”…well, there was one other…”

CUT TO: close-up of Paul’s face, opening 30 seconds of Threnody for the Victims of Hiroshima plays

KC: “Hey, Paul!”

CUT TO: original scene

KC: “Hey, Stan the Man, don’t worry.  We’ll get to that on your time, ok?  Trust me.  You cool?  We cool?”

PS, more relaxed: “We’re cool, man, we’re cool.  Hey, why don’t you talk about the Gin Rickey now!”

KC: “You bet”

GinRickey-002-de1PS, face lighting up: “Oh, you guys are gonna love this!  MY MAN GETS SO PISSED OFF…”

KC: “… I… I get a little mad at this.  No one can make a Gin Rickey.”

PS: “There are no classy places for a gay to get a drink anymore.  Real sad.”

KC: “Not a gay or a guy.  And the problem is worse that just knowledge.  It normally goes like this: ‘Can I get a Gin Rickey?’ ‘A what?’  Then I explain:”

The Gin Rickey

2 oz. gin

1/2 lime

sparkling water

********************************

Pour gin in highball glass with ice.  Squeeze in juice from 1/2 lime, then drop shell in glass.  Fill with sparkling water.

KC: “And they come back with a drink.  With a lime wedge in it.  See, bars don’t even have whole limes anymore, just some wedges that someone wedged up as garnish.  Sometimes that make it with tonic water, which is… a Gin and Fucking Tonic…”

PS: “…here we go!..”

KC: “…and sometimes they make a Gimlet; a Gimlet is normally sweetened, and is always a Fucking Gimlet and not a Gin Rickey.”

PS, holds up a lowball glass: “Today we’re enjoying cold Beefeater gin on the rocks, straight up.  I like it!”

KC: “Me, too, Paul.  It’s not too sweet, or “dry”, and not so citrus-y that you can’t enjoy that herbal juniper taste.  The bottle looks super classy, too; like I’mbeefeater putting a soldier in there to guard my liver.”

PS: “Not just your liver; you know what they say about cold gin– it’s good for the down-there parts.  You know… increases the hang-time on your wang-time.  That’s why ‘Cold Gin’ is on the album in the first place.  I mean, Ace wrote that on the way to rehearsal as a one-off, but sex sells!  We needed a gimmick or two.  We weren’t the best musicians.  We even has a kissing contest after the album fell flat in the beginning”

KC: “I knew ‘Kissin’ Time’ was a cover, but I was really surprised it was added to the album after its initial release as a potential single and tie-in to a kissing contest.  Who won?”

PS: “KISS did.  KISS won.”

KC: “Maybe we should end this episode here.  What are drinking next time?”

PS: “New Amsterdam Gin, and we’re classin’ it up with martinis.  What are we listenin’ to, Georgie?”

KC: “Another new favorite: Dressed to Kill.”

PS: “‘Till next time, keep it on the rock…

KC: “…and on the rocks.”

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