Boring, Boring Rock Arsenal: The Cowbell

Brief summary of important risk information

cowbell

COWBELL (bovinated idiophone)

What is COWBELL?

COWBELL is a medicine prescribed for people with low or moderately low internalized rhythm, made from the same natural ingredients found in salsa.  Commonly used in the bovine industry, COWBELL has been tested and prescribed for adult rock-and-roll patients.

Who should not take COWBELL?

DO NOT TAKE COWBELL IF YOU:

  • are vegan.
  • are currently taking other rhythm-enhancing drugs, like AGOGO or CENCERRO.
  • are currently or may become racist.
  • fear the reaper.
  • live in Oxford, Mississippi.
  • have had a history or family history of auxiliary percussion abuse.
  • are not a man.

 

What should I tell my doctor before taking COWBELL?

Tell your doctor if you've experienced earth and wind and fire in the month of September
Tell your doctor if you’ve experienced earth and wind and fire in the month of September.

Tell your doctor about all percussion instruments you play or plan to play, including timbales, bongos, or drumsets.  Your doctor will decide if COWBELL is right for you.  Tell your doctor if you plan to play with madness.  Let your doctor know if you plan to become a resident outside of the United States or were a resident outside of the United States after 1973.

Some songs may require you to take COWBELL with a horsehair bow commonly used with stringed instruments.  Tell your doctor before doing something so pretentious and awful; he may want to prescribe COWBELL FOR ORCHESTRA.

How should I take COWBELL?

COWBELL is formulated to work optimally at the dosage prescribed to you.  Do not use more COWBELL.

What are the possible side effects of COWBELL?

While taking COWBELL, Daft Punk may be playing at your house, your house.
While taking COWBELL, Daft Punk may be playing at your house, your house.

COWBELL is generally well tolerated.  As with any auxiliary percussion instrument, some rockers taking COWBELL may experience side effects.  The side effects are usually mild and do not last long.  The most common side effects of COWBELL are dizziness, sensations of being “funky as hell” or “muy caliente”, skin rash, honky-tonk womanizing, nausea, and the inability to take anything.

Some percussionists taking COWBELL suffer a rare form of Tourette’s.  These percussionists report the yelling of “baile!” and “vamanos!” at intermittent intervals.  This reaction usually does not reappear after the first set break.  Seek medical attention if this side effect lasts past 2:00 AM.

What do I do in case of an overdose?

If you feel you have overdosed on COWBELL, leave Starkville immediately.

4 thoughts on “Boring, Boring Rock Arsenal: The Cowbell

  1. Absolutely pure fucking genius.

    “Tell your doctor if you’ve experienced earth and wind and fire in the month of September.” lolololol

    1. I almost went with “Do you remember when you started feeling these earthy, windy, and fiery feelings?” Thought it wasn’t obtuse enough. Subtle humor wasn’t winning any arguments in this one…

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