Boring, Boring Rock Arsenal: The Flute

flute-modern

When?

The flute was created one time at a band camp in Germany, in or around 33,000 BC.

Who?

There was plenty of parallel development to be had in other countries, but the oldest surviving flutes, some with a widely-disputable date of 47,000 years old, are from Germany.  The flute we will deal with in this post, the transverse flute, is also from German origin(the transverse flute is the one you saw all the band kids with in high school.  There’s probably an indie craft store in Portland called “The Transverse Flute”, also…).

What and How?

wood_dildo
“flute”

Much like the faerie skeletons and dildoes of the Victorian era, the early flutes were crafted from bone.  Eventually these early flutes(tuned in “six-finger D”, if you know what I mean, ladies[I mean that the open tuning of the flute was in the key of D, with six tone holes added to form a scale{I also meant it takes six fingers to stimulate my erect penis, ladies}]) developed more tone holes and contraptions to compliment chromatic scales, and the material used to make the flute  went from bone to wood to steel(ladies…).  Some wooden flutes are still used in Irish pub bands, crafted in the Viennese style and, a surprising fact to any classical musician, the wind instrument with the best intonation of all the Irish pub wind instruments, as mentioned in Drunken, Drunken Irish Arsenal: The English Transverse Flute.  Popular transverse flutes are made from some type of metal.  I will let the flute players talk in the comments about how much better higher quality metal flutes sound compared from plated brass, but they are liars.

The transverse flute is played with the body and foot joint to the side of the body, because being able to see the keys you have to press is totally cheating, clarinets.

Why?

There are lots of rock elements that can be brought to the table by the flute, that’s why.

Well, lemme just get this out of the way:  First this…

… which was first, as Gerald Sloan reminded me as a ninth-grader figuring crap out, but was brought to its most rocking conclusion like so…

If you didn’t see this coming, or don’t think both are totally rocking  you are reading the wrong blog.  Willow is whipping her hair back and forth waaaaaaaaay over there….

Sure, Ian Anderson kinda hogs the rock flute spotlight.  But these are plenty of other good reasons for putting some flute in your ladyparts rock:

Need some merit?  Did you go to art school?  Do you know a fireman who looks after the fire?  Flute it up!

Need that homegrown tour strange?  You’ll attract more Venus Fly traps with honey than vinegar; just ask Carlos Wilson from one of my fave raves, Mandrill*.

Are you a rock samurai with all this yang hanging off you guitar like ham-sized obsidian nuts and need a little yin for balance?  Flute that shit!

From prog rock to the funky colors of Benetton to whiskey-timbre rock tones to Elvish cocaine decisions, the flute does rock.  Celebrate by high-fiving that flute player today; you know exactly where his or her hand has been(his or her hand has been on a flute[also probably his or her own genitals and that might be sexy or something]).

*To be sure, nothing is quite so awesome as to see even the band get cracked up over every member intro ending with, “… percussion, vocals.”

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Suggested Viewing:

Rahsaan Roland Kirk and John Cage: Sound??

Jethro Tull: For A Thousand Mothers

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